For as far back as I can remember, I’ve had a hard time sleeping. When I was around 7 or 8 I couldn’t sleep because of all my food allergies, but it got better once we sorted that out. Better, but not good. I was still never the one of those people who could fall asleep right away. Even as a kid my mind ran a million miles a minute, so it took me a little longer to shut it off.
Nothing’s changed since then. My mind still goes a million miles a minute and sometimes I just can’t make it shut up. It gets really frustrating when it’s past midnight, I’ve been in bed since 10, and I know I want to get up at 5 to workout. It’s even worse when it gets to be past 1. Or when I finally fall asleep and wake up an hour later. Or when my alarm goes off at 5 as planned, and I’m already awake.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is that insomnia sucks ass.
You would think that after years of practice I’d be good at this by now, but I’m not.
I know that I can’t fall asleep in complete darkness, so I keep my blinds open just a touch.
I know that if I don’t go through my nighttime checklist out loud, I will get up 6 times to make sure the oven is off and that no killers are under my bed.
I also know that I need a distraction or my mind will run wild, so I try to fall sleep with the tv on. But there comes a point in every night where instead of being helpful, the tv only makes it worse. It’s a very fine line.
I really thought that after my long ass run on Sunday, I’d be tired enough to get a solid night’s sleep. Or at the very least, I figured after running for that amount of time my brain would be all thought out. And yet, when I went to bed I had that annoying exhausted but wired feeling that I know all too well.
And once the insomnia starts, I’m pretty much effed for the week. School takes up just enough time to guarantee less than 8 hours of sleep, and so I stress about getting every second of sleep that I can. Which means I lay awake.
So basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m tired. I stood at the bottom of the stairs at work yesterday for a minute and a half trying to decide if I was really thirsty enough to climb them just for a glass of water. Then I seriously considered sliding back down them on my butt so my legs could have a break.
Everyone suggests taking something to help me sleep, but sleeping pills give me anxiety and wind up having the opposite effect. I’ve tried teas, and mass amounts of wine. I’ve tried music, I’ve tried special sleep tapes, mind tricks, all of that. It doesn’t make a difference.
All I can do is wait it out. I know this. I’ve always known this, but it’s boring. The middle if the night is boring. Unless I’m at the bar with a hot boy if it’s 3am I’d rather be sleeping.