I started writing this post last week but couldn’t express myself the way I wanted to, and it’s been sitting in my drafts ever since. Then, as always, Kacy inspired me with her post, and I decided to give this one another shot.
I get a lot of crap from people because of my selfishness. I put myself first, and I’ve never tried to hide that. But for whatever reason, it seems to make some people uncomfortable, and I don’t fully understand why.
Yes, I think about what I want before pretty much anything else, and I really hate to share. The sharing thing isn’t my best quality, but it actually has a pretty solid explanation. An explanation that’s messy, and would require it’s own post if I wanted to get into it, but I don’t. Today, I just want to talk about why I put myself first.
I look at it as simply making my happiness a priority. I’ve struggled with depression before. I’ve dealt with an eating disorder, and spent years being absolutely miserable. I ignored my own needs, my own happiness, and I let myself die inside.
You know what? It sucked. It sucked, I don’t want to do it again.
By nature I am a happy, bubbly, cheery kind of person. I always have been, so going from that to full on depression was pretty scary. It was completely foreign to me (as I’m sure it is for everyone), and I didn’t handle it well. I tried to stay bubbly on the outside, but the thoughts that went through my head terrified me. Knowing how that feels, and that it can easily happen again is horrifying.
So I scoop up all the good stuff I can and hold it close, because I don’t want it to go away. I don’t want to lose myself again. It’s so easy to fall back into that big dark hole of misery, and I don’t want to. I like this version of me. I like the Leah that’s fun, and laughs at everything, and genuinely feels good inside. She is so much better than the other version. The one that hates herself, and feels like she doesn’t deserve to get any goodness out of life because she’s a bad person. That girl – she’s not the one I want to be, and I will fight for the rest of my life to keep her as far away as I can.
I take what I want, and say how I feel, because it makes me feel lighter. I do what I want, because doing what I want makes me happy. I don’t always think things through, because sometimes life is just more fun that way. If all of that makes me selfish, well I’m ok with it. Not everyone is going to like that about me, but they don’t have to. It’s not them I’m trying to please.
So yes, I put myself first.
As I should.
As everyone should.
I put my happiness before mostly everything because it is important. How I feel matters, and there is nothing wrong with admitting that.
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It’s such a brave thing to say I’m going to be happy and put myself first. I love how you do it without fear or apology. I want to be you.
And thanks for the shout out
Why thank you. I don’t consider it brave so much as just being honest. I think a lot of people are the same, they just don’t say it.
You deserve to work towards your own happiness. No one should make you feel bad about that. Plus, by you being happier, it can only positively affect everyone around you. Totally.
I agree…this is totally brave. I love that you are so honest about your selfishness and trust me, I can relate. I put myself first all the time and when I don’t have the opportunity to do so? I resent it. This is bad seeing as I have a child who didn’t ask to be born, and I am working on it! But I fear this is inherent and will not change.
Anyway, great post.
Honestly, I think you’re doing Maya a favor, and showing her that she should put herself first and do what she needs to make herself happy. I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all.
I put myself first and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Had a serious conversation with my momma about that last night (I told her I am very seriously not going to reproduce and I think it killed her a little inside knowing she wouldn’t be a Gramma), but she said “it would be very hard for you to change your lifestyle and I am proud that you recognize that”…Three cheers for momma! She doesn’t look at it as selfish even though EVERYONE ELSE DOES…she knows all I ever wanted in life was the dream career and that is what makes me truly happy. I love that you hold everything that makes you happy close to you. I started doing that a couple years ago and I’ve been in a good place ever since
XOXO
Everyone is different, but no matter what…someone should ALWAYS make themselves a priority. ALWAYS. That’s being smart and safe in every sense of the word
We can only be healthy mentally and physically when we are truly happy. There is nothing in the world wrong with that. It’s actually very generous. Because if you take good care of yourself, then no one else has to. You make it your own responsibility to be happy then you have something left to give to the world instead expecting others to make you happy and do things for you.
You put it perfectly – I agree 100%.
I think this ties in with MY latest post (or at least what my post intended to be…clearly my brain is still a bit broken
). Putting yourself first in life is of utmost importance – because if you don’t put yourself first, who will? This will take you far – so hold on to it.
I’m learning that the balance that makes life so wonderful (see? My post) – is related to putting yourself first and making time for yourself…even as a busy mom of 2, I learned I HAVE to put myself first. Not all the time and sometimes not when I want to, but this is something I watched our generation of parents not do – they always put their kids first – and it sounds horrible and awful, but it isn’t/wasn’t for the best. Balance.
I think it ties in with your post too. When I have kids I’ll try and balance it too, because seriously, your own needs are still important. I don’t understand why people try and pretend like they’re not. It’s foolish.
In a way, your “selfishness” isn’t really selfish it at all, when you put yourself first you are happiest, so when you do spend time with others you’re the best version of you.
All of my “issues” (depression, e.d., etc.) stem from NOT putting myself first. I need some selfishness in my life; I need to do things because I want to, not because so and so thinks I should. Here’s to being selfish!
This is such a big issue for people. Ugh… it totally is. I try to do this because I know I am happier this way too. I mean, come on, they even say it on the airplane – but your oxygen mask on before assisting others!
My mother has NEVER put herself first and it makes me bonkers. And I see a friend of mine with a young child who puts everyone before her and is EXHAUSTED. That is the selfish reason I don’t want to have kids. I want to put me first and do what I want to do.
So I am a big brat and really struggle when I have to do something I don’t want to do/don’t agree with.
[...] Detached By Leah @ Why Deprive?, on July 9th, 2012 I mentioned in this post that I have a tendency to cling onto all the good things in my life, and that’s entirely [...]