I started writing this post last week but couldn’t express myself the way I wanted to, and it’s been sitting in my drafts ever since. Then, as always, Kacy inspired me with her post, and I decided to give this one another shot.
I get a lot of crap from people because of my selfishness. I put myself first, and I’ve never tried to hide that. But for whatever reason, it seems to make some people uncomfortable, and I don’t fully understand why.
Yes, I think about what I want before pretty much anything else, and I really hate to share. The sharing thing isn’t my best quality, but it actually has a pretty solid explanation. An explanation that’s messy, and would require it’s own post if I wanted to get into it, but I don’t. Today, I just want to talk about why I put myself first.
I look at it as simply making my happiness a priority. I’ve struggled with depression before. I’ve dealt with an eating disorder, and spent years being absolutely miserable. I ignored my own needs, my own happiness, and I let myself die inside.
You know what? It sucked. It sucked, I don’t want to do it again.
By nature I am a happy, bubbly, cheery kind of person. I always have been, so going from that to full on depression was pretty scary. It was completely foreign to me (as I’m sure it is for everyone), and I didn’t handle it well. I tried to stay bubbly on the outside, but the thoughts that went through my head terrified me. Knowing how that feels, and that it can easily happen again is horrifying.
So I scoop up all the good stuff I can and hold it close, because I don’t want it to go away. I don’t want to lose myself again. It’s so easy to fall back into that big dark hole of misery, and I don’t want to. I like this version of me. I like the Leah that’s fun, and laughs at everything, and genuinely feels good inside. She is so much better than the other version. The one that hates herself, and feels like she doesn’t deserve to get any goodness out of life because she’s a bad person. That girl – she’s not the one I want to be, and I will fight for the rest of my life to keep her as far away as I can.
I take what I want, and say how I feel, because it makes me feel lighter. I do what I want, because doing what I want makes me happy. I don’t always think things through, because sometimes life is just more fun that way. If all of that makes me selfish, well I’m ok with it. Not everyone is going to like that about me, but they don’t have to. It’s not them I’m trying to please.
So yes, I put myself first.
As I should.
As everyone should.
I put my happiness before mostly everything because it is important. How I feel matters, and there is nothing wrong with admitting that.