I mentioned in this post that I have a tendency to cling onto all the good things in my life, and that’s entirely true. But the thing about me is that I like everything to be even, so I hang onto all the bad things too. It’s really not my best quality.
See, I have a hard time letting things go. My ridiculously good memory, combined with some deep emotional scars make a pretty deadly combination. Something may have happened ten years ago, but I can still remember it like yesterday, and get mad all over again just knowing that it happened.
I know my friends get annoyed listening to me talk about things that happened a million years ago, and I know they think I should be over it all. I get that. And I agree, I should be over it all. And I am – mostly. But there’s a little piece of me that just can’t let go of all my old crap.
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because these are the things that shaped me the most. All of the hard times, the heartbreak, the drama, it had more of an impact on who I am than anything else. That stuff is what turned me into the strong and capable person I am today. I love that person, and sometimes I wonder if I cling to all that crap so I don’t forgot how I got here. Maybe it helps me appreciate what little I do have.
But then there’s the other possibility. The slightly more realistic possibility.
I like drama. I’ve gotten used to it, and I know how to navigate through it. What I don’t know, is how to live without it. So when things get boring I dig all that old shit back up again. I was such a mess for so long, that I don’t really know how to be anything else. This new, stable, grown up life that I’m currently living is foreign to me. I dont always know how to do it.
I love it, don’t get me wrong. I love my life, and I love where I am right this moment, but I think there’s a part of me that’s afraid to get too attached. It’s like if I stay impartial to it all, and keep a little part of myself in the past, I won’t be risking as much.
I do this with relationships too. If I keep my distance, I won’t get hurt. If I don’t learn a boys name, then he’ll never have any power over me.
It’s all about staying detached.
In order to stay detached, and keep myself from getting to invested, I hold on to just a little bit of sadness. That way, if it all falls apart I’ll be ok.
I don’t know how to make that go away. I’m not too sure how I can let myself get fully invested in my own life. I don’t know how to just let go.
Maybe that’s just a part of life. Everyone has their own crap to deal with, and this is mine. I’m emotionally detached – from everything. At least I’m good at it.