I mentioned in this post that I have a tendency to cling onto all the good things in my life, and that’s entirely true. But the thing about me is that I like everything to be even, so I hang onto all the bad things too. It’s really not my best quality.
See, I have a hard time letting things go. My ridiculously good memory, combined with some deep emotional scars make a pretty deadly combination. Something may have happened ten years ago, but I can still remember it like yesterday, and get mad all over again just knowing that it happened.
I know my friends get annoyed listening to me talk about things that happened a million years ago, and I know they think I should be over it all. I get that. And I agree, I should be over it all. And I am – mostly. But there’s a little piece of me that just can’t let go of all my old crap.
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because these are the things that shaped me the most. All of the hard times, the heartbreak, the drama, it had more of an impact on who I am than anything else. That stuff is what turned me into the strong and capable person I am today. I love that person, and sometimes I wonder if I cling to all that crap so I don’t forgot how I got here. Maybe it helps me appreciate what little I do have.
But then there’s the other possibility. The slightly more realistic possibility.
I like drama. I’ve gotten used to it, and I know how to navigate through it. What I don’t know, is how to live without it. So when things get boring I dig all that old shit back up again. I was such a mess for so long, that I don’t really know how to be anything else. This new, stable, grown up life that I’m currently living is foreign to me. I dont always know how to do it.
I love it, don’t get me wrong. I love my life, and I love where I am right this moment, but I think there’s a part of me that’s afraid to get too attached. It’s like if I stay impartial to it all, and keep a little part of myself in the past, I won’t be risking as much.
I do this with relationships too. If I keep my distance, I won’t get hurt. If I don’t learn a boys name, then he’ll never have any power over me.
It’s all about staying detached.
In order to stay detached, and keep myself from getting to invested, I hold on to just a little bit of sadness. That way, if it all falls apart I’ll be ok.
I don’t know how to make that go away. I’m not too sure how I can let myself get fully invested in my own life. I don’t know how to just let go.
Maybe that’s just a part of life. Everyone has their own crap to deal with, and this is mine. I’m emotionally detached – from everything. At least I’m good at it.
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I think I started to become an extremely detached person when it comes to dating and whatnot. I’ve had my fair share of dealing with assholes (oh hey, sexter) and it sucks. But I’m trying to get better. Because if I can’t ever let a guy in fully, it’s never going to happen. And not that I need it now, but one day I will want it. And want to be ready for it. Even if it hurts.
Geez… that sounds more depressing than it actually is… :p
I was the same way (says the wise old woman) but in some ways, I am still detached with personal relationships. So when it comes to friends and work relationships, I have a tendency to pull away. And I like drama but probably I like my own and not others’.
I think it’s good that you can identify it and therefore it will have less of a hold on you as you keep maturing and getting used to a stable life.At some point the stable, no drama, life will feel like the norm. Just give it more time and keep shooting for calm and good and when those sad thoughts come up, acknowledge them and then focus how healthy you are, where you are going and how good that ultimately makes you feel. My best friend is reading the Language of Letting Go and thinks it is a Godsend…I haven’t read it but it sounds good and I am thinking of reading it too.
Another post where I feel like you’re in my brain. Seriously. I do everything you said here. Every last thing.
I think it’s something that we’re so willing to understand why we do things though. Isn’t that like the first step or something?
Looooved this post.
I’m a classic self-sabatoger. It’s like I don’t know how to live without the chaos. So, so strange considering I’ve worked really hard for like half of my life to “get over” some stuff from my past. You are not alone, my friend.
Wow. What a thoughtful post. This is deep and I think that so many of us can relate to these feelings. Thank you for sharing. I have a lot to think about on my ride home from work! Hugs.
sometimes it is nice to be emotionally detached and protect yourself.. surely it’s no way to live life, but yes, there are times in life you need to take care of you, until someone awesome comes along and takes care of you. you’ll know, and you won’t have to be emotionally detached.
stay strong!
we’ve all been there, i’m married and I can still recall the pain from 10 years ago.. hurts like a bitch!
I think drama is just like anything else…people can fall into a comfort zone and whether it is drama or ice cream they gravitate to the things that make them feel comfortable. It’s like a safety blanket.
Sometimes it’s easier to be detached. I was definitely detached from a lot of things before moving from Ohio. I’m much happier now. I also wanted to say…I am JEALOUS you have a good memory. Mine is HORRIBLE. I sometimes think I have early-onset dementia and I’m seriously not kidding when I say that
I find it really hard to forget things too and I often wonder if I could somehow detach myself in order to make life easier? Because seriously, the amount of time I waste replaying the past is sort of ridiculous.
Everyone really does have their own crap to deal with. Unfortunately.
[...] realizing this, it feels like all the heartbreak I’ve been holding on to just kind of dropped away. I don’t need it anymore, and I feel like I’m finally ready [...]