I’ve said this before, but I’ve dated some serious douche bags in my day. A guy friend recently said that was something that always pissed him off about me, I always went for the guys that treated me like crap. Always. Call it low self esteem, call it stupidity, whatever the reason, I loved the assholes.
There were good points to all of them (except one if we’re being honest, he was just a dick), and I spent a lot of time convincing myself that the good outweighed the bad. But you know what? It doesn’t always. There are some serious deal breakers that will never be ok with me. And I like to think the real good thing about dating (and I use that word very loosely) so many assholes is that it taught me exactly what I don’t want.
The Mama’s Boy.
Ok look, I understand you love your mom. I love my mom too. That’s great, and I think someone’s relationship with their family can say a lot about them. Most of the time. But seriously, if you’re nearing 30 and still living at home, with your mom doing your laundry and packing your lunch, that is not ok. The last thing I want is to be with a man who needs me to take care of him. Sure, I’ll do nice things for my husband, but because I want to, not because he expects/needs me to. If he can’t pack his own damn lunch, he can starve. Not my problem.
The Smoker.
My ex boyfriend smoked when we got together, and I made him quit because I’m a bitch. But also because I’m logical. I have no intention of falling in love with someone that is knowingly shortening their life span. I don’t want to be a widow at 40 if I can help it. So I don’t care how good of a guy you are, if you smoke, I’m out.
The Asshole that Pretends He’s a Good Guy.
Oh I love this one. I’ve ”dated” a couple guys that said horrible, horrible things to me and called it being honest. One told me that my eating disorder was simply just me being superficial, and another used to suggest super unhealthy ways I could lose weight. I think it’s pretty clear why those relationships didn’t last.
The Guy That’s Into Drugs
Look, we’re not stupid teenagers anymore. There are bills to pay and jobs to go to. If you’re spending your money on drugs of any sort, I’m not interested. I don’t care if it’s occasional, I’m just not ok with it. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but the only drug I’m interested in is alcohol.
Which leads into my next deal breaker – which I take very seriously.
The Irresponsible Drinker
Maybe I’m an old lady at heart, but I’m all about being responsible. If we’re going to go out and you’re driving, I expect you to stay sober. Completely sober. Like one drink, MAYBE two. Drinking and driving is not ok ever. I don’t care if you think you can have four beers and drive home. You can’t. It’s against the law, and if you think I won’t call the police on you, you’re sadly mistaken. I want to be with someone who takes my safety seriously. Not someone who will have 3 glasses of scotch and then try to drive me home. It’s not rocket science guys, its called being a grown up. Deal with it.
The Dumb Guy with a Hot Body
This is just a bad idea. No matter how fun it seems to be with someone you see no future with but has amazing abs, it’s not a good time. Talking to a doorknob is boring, and an amazing body can only get you so far.
The Guy That Can’t Get His Shit Together
I’m not perfect, but I like to think I have my shit pretty together. I pay my bills on time, and I can feed myself without issue, so maybe I have high expectations. But I fully believe there is someone out there that will meet those expectations. Having your shit together is a big one. I don’t want to be with another guy that loses his drivers license, can’t pay his car insurance, quits his job without another one lined up, OR LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER. I want to be with a grown up. Again, I say, we’re not teenagers anymore guys. Get it the eff together already. Pay your damn bills. Learn how to take care of yourself. Fix your car when it breaks. Don’t use the fact that you’re “too busy” as an excuse. You’re not. Just grow up.
And finally -
The Excuse Maker
I had a manager at the bank once that always said, “excuses are for losers” and you know what? She was right. You’re either going to do something or you’re not. There’s no need to make up some stupid ass excuse, the fact is that you just didn’t care enough. Own it or shut up.
You showed up at my house an hour later than you said you would – you’re an asshole.
You didn’t pay your phone bill and they cut off your service - it’s not the phone company’s fault. You’re irresponsible.
You nearly kill us both by running a stop sign – the sign isn’t in the wrong spot. You weren’t looking. Take some freaking responsiblity.
Those are my biggest deal breakers. There are a bunch of little things too, but I’m having a hard time toning down the profanity as it is, so I’ll just leave it at these ones.
What are your deal breakers?
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I had 2 serious relationships prior to Keith…thankfully the third time was a charm because I hit the jackpot with Keith!
Just had to comment on this one, since I’ve dated almost all of the above. And I have a variation of your “excuse maker” guy: the ghost. He flits in, he flits out, and then expects to pop right in again with no explanation. So annoying lol.
Oohhhh . . . yah, a lot of guys do that. Whats the deal with that?
Smoking is definitely a dealbreaker, as well as drinking to the point you become a total a-hole and make me cry. There’s no reason for that. EVER.
ummm I’ve dated all of those guys OY
and the smoker was Brad … two packs a day when I started dating him, it took him almost 6 months but he quit … which is good because I definitely don’t date smokers, I’m allergic to tobacco smoke
I’m sorry to break it to you but they are ALL Mama’s Boys. It’s just not possible to find a guy who isn’t.
Oh and also? They’ll never get their shit together. One way or another.
So really, you just have to find someone tolerable. That’s what all married women do.
lol THIS.
hahaha I love you Ameena!
I can relate to every one of these! I had an ex who was such a mama’s boy that he called her once when he had a cold sore and they spent 45 minutes on the phone talking about solutions to get rid of it. I couldn’t take it.
And the hot body? Got engaged to it. I’m an idiot.
Mr. T is the first guy I’ve dated that truly has his shit together and I love it. I thought my last bf had his shit together because he was rich and successful, but then he quit his job with no plan for another one two weeks into our relationship and spent his entire savings. It was bizarre.
haha 45 minutes about a cold sore? Is it really THAT big of a deal?
Lol! I can really relate to a lot of these as well. Another thing that would be a deal breaker for me though is kind of the opposite of mama’s boy, but someone who’s NOT close with their family at all and/or speaks badly about their mother. I think a man’s relationship with his mother is a HUGE indicator of how he would treat a significant other!! Plus I’m close with my family so it’s important for me to be with someone who is the same way!
Oh, I agree with you! I could never handle someone who doesn’t treat his mother with respect. That’s just not ok.
My deal breaker is ALL the ones you mentioned above. Yes, we are adults. Grow up dammit! Totally agree with everything in this post.
Yep, I’ve dated a guy that fits into pretty much each of these categories. But my biggest deal breaker has got to be “the guy who can’t get his shit together”.
Kids. I’m at a point in my life where many of the guys that are age appropriate happen to be those who have had significant relationships that have lead to children. I don’t want my own, why would I ever want to help someone else raise theirs, even if it’s on a ‘part-time’, every second weekend basis.
Not being a dog lover. I tell my daughter a million times over that she needs to marry a dog lover. Of course there are many more important things, being kind is the biggest. Kindness is just about everything but your top eight up there, I may have to print it our for her and save it for when she hits high school next year. Your list is priceless.
Oh I’ve dated a guy who is a combo of thinking he was a good guy (but actually an ass) and can’t get his shit together. It’s lovely.
And I’d agree with the smoking thing. I only dated a smoker when I was also one. I think making out with someone like that now would gross me out…
Yah, that stale smoke smell makes me sick. I couldn’t handle that.
You are so spot on with these- I’d say they’re deal breakers for 90% of all women, but sometimes we just don’t put our foot down. Which is unfortunate, and totally on us. Also, re: “the guy who’s into drugs”: I really wanted you to say “the only drug I’m interested in is your love”. Thank you for invading my brain space, Ke$ha.
haha I wish I had been that clever!
I think it’s awesome that you know what you want. I met Brandon when we were pretty young (21) so we both had some growing up to do in the first few years of our relationship, but I like that we both made positive changes together. I guess what I’m saying is (Captain Obvious here) no one is really perfect, but if they’re will to be the best they can be, that’s always a good quality too.
Agreed. Of course, I have yet to find someone who has even attempted being the best they can be, so I’m not sure what that would be like.