I’ve said this before, but I’ve dated some serious douche bags in my day. A guy friend recently said that was something that always pissed him off about me, I always went for the guys that treated me like crap. Always. Call it low self esteem, call it stupidity, whatever the reason, I loved the assholes.

There were good points to all of them (except one if we’re being honest, he was just a dick), and I spent a lot of time convincing myself that the good outweighed the bad. But you know what? It doesn’t always. There are some serious deal breakers that will never be ok with me. And I like to think the real good thing about dating (and I use that word very loosely) so many assholes is that it taught me exactly what I don’t want.

The Mama’s Boy.
Ok look, I understand you love your mom. I love my mom too. That’s great, and I think someone’s relationship with their family can say a lot about them. Most of the time. But seriously, if you’re nearing 30 and still living at home, with your mom doing your laundry and packing your lunch, that is not ok. The last thing I want is to be with a man who needs me to take care of him. Sure, I’ll do nice things for my husband, but because I want to, not because he expects/needs me to. If he can’t pack his own damn lunch, he can starve. Not my problem.

The Smoker.
My ex boyfriend smoked when we got together, and I made him quit because I’m a bitch. But also because I’m logical. I have no intention of falling in love with someone that is knowingly shortening their life span. I don’t want to be a widow at 40 if I can help it. So I don’t care how good of a guy you are, if you smoke, I’m out.

The Asshole that Pretends He’s a Good Guy.
Oh I love this one. I’ve ”dated” a couple guys that said horrible, horrible things to me and called it being honest. One told me that my eating disorder was simply just me being superficial, and another used to suggest super unhealthy ways I could lose weight. I think it’s pretty clear why those relationships didn’t last.

The Guy That’s Into Drugs
Look, we’re not stupid teenagers anymore. There are bills to pay and jobs to go to. If you’re spending your money on drugs of any sort, I’m not interested. I don’t care if it’s occasional, I’m just not ok with it. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but the only drug I’m interested in is alcohol.

Which leads into my next deal breaker – which I take very seriously.

The Irresponsible Drinker
Maybe I’m an old lady at heart, but I’m all about being responsible. If we’re going to go out and you’re driving, I expect you to stay sober. Completely sober. Like one drink, MAYBE two. Drinking and driving is not ok ever. I don’t care if you think you can have four beers and drive home. You can’t. It’s against the law, and if you think I won’t call the police on you, you’re sadly mistaken. I want to be with someone who takes my safety seriously. Not someone who will have 3 glasses of scotch and then try to drive me home. It’s not rocket science guys, its called being a grown up. Deal with it.

The Dumb Guy with a Hot Body
This is just a bad idea. No matter how fun it seems to be with someone you see no future with but has amazing abs, it’s not a good time. Talking to a doorknob is boring, and an amazing body can only get you so far.

The Guy That Can’t Get His Shit Together
I’m not perfect, but I like to think I have my shit pretty together. I pay my bills on time, and I can feed myself without issue, so maybe I have high expectations. But I fully believe there is someone out there that will meet those expectations. Having your shit together is a big one. I don’t want to be with another guy that loses his drivers license, can’t pay his car insurance, quits his job without another one lined up, OR LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER. I want to be with a grown up. Again, I say, we’re not teenagers anymore guys. Get it the eff together already. Pay your damn bills. Learn how to take care of yourself. Fix your car when it breaks. Don’t use the fact that you’re “too busy” as an excuse. You’re not. Just grow up.

And finally -

The Excuse Maker
I had a manager at the bank once that always said, “excuses are for losers” and you know what? She was right. You’re either going to do something or you’re not. There’s no need to make up some stupid ass excuse, the fact is that you just didn’t care enough. Own it or shut up.

You showed up at my house an hour later than you said you would – you’re an asshole.

You didn’t pay your phone bill and they cut off your service - it’s not the phone company’s fault. You’re irresponsible.

You nearly kill us both by running a stop sign – the sign isn’t in the wrong spot. You weren’t looking. Take some freaking responsiblity.

Those are my biggest deal breakers. There are a bunch of little things too, but I’m having a hard time toning down the profanity as it is, so I’ll just leave it at these ones.

What are your deal breakers?